day 8

i cry and i cry and i never stop crying i cry and i cry and i never stop crying i cry and i cry and i never stop crying i cry and i cry and i never stop crying i cry and i cry and i never stop crying i cry and i cry and i never stop crying i cry and i cry and i never stop crying i cry and i cry and i never stop crying i cry and i cry and i never stop crying i cry and i cry and i never stop crying i cry and i cry and i never stop crying i cry and i cry and i never stop crying

things i have cried about today:

not being alive for first contact
the utah state song
a baby losing his shit over a woman playing the violin
totality

“what did you expect”
more
more than
confused happiness
so
i was

im normal

i have developed an addiction to ice helmets that has become severe enough to warrant an intervention and i can't help but think that my addiction is prescient and these things will become embraced and normalized within a short while because they sever the anxiety at the head but i am probably just unwell

baths replace showers replace baths replace showers replace baths replace showers replace baths replace showers replace baths replace showers replace baths replace showers replace baths replace showers replace baths replace showers replace baths replace showers replace baths replace showers replace baths

i create to create to create
i create i create to create
to create i create

wellness check

some of my most creative writing is done in the comment section of the daily wire. emotional elicitations that, devoid of context, have little to no heft

tell me a sleep time story, perfectgirl.com
what is anthrax? how old was davy crockett when he died?
are you a saving alterity or a
perilous zone of fearful emptiness?

name me the civilization that lives under the earth’s crust
name me the civilization that lives beneath my core
waste and pine and waste and pine

awake, asleep, awake

5 6 7 8
do you want to procreate

i need a pepsi cola
i need a pepsi cola
i need a pepsi cola
i need a pepsi cola
i need a pepsi cola
i need a pepsi cola
i need a pepsi cola
i need a pepsi cola
i need a pepsi cola

w e l l n e s s
c h e c k

wellness check

not so
but
not convinced

someone on tiktok accused me of being a bot and honestly that's a really good compliment

thankful for

danny
Perfect Sleep Schedules
newfound internet scavenging methods
internal resources
water chores
familial support
32gb
my shitty apartment
hypomania
cold weather
vivid dreams
videochats
uncertainty
ice helmets
weighted blankets
forgiveness
patience
understanding
(from others)
being An Adult

My words are merely fingers
pointing at the moon

not the moon itself.

i'm the saddest girl at the ball

my envy, strong as ever,
is consuming all around me
like TON six hundred eighteen
no thing escapes the orbit
of my cocoa bitter-hatred
resentment abject-malice
for those unripe and ripened

who have been

will be

with you

i still hear your voice
long,
echo in my head
you can’t or it’s
you won’t
diana

reading me to dead

in the church parking lot waiting for g*d

waiting for g*d in the church parking lot

where are you ETIs

ever just watch yakko's universe and just sob

eating stale pringles alone in bed

sometimes instead of googling something you can just ask your dad

i do not want to be responsible i do not want to be responsible i do not want to be responsible i do not want to be responsible i do not want to be responsible i do not want to be responsible i do not want to be responsible i do not want to be responsible i do not want to be responsible i do not want to be responsible i do not want to be responsible i do not want to be responsible i do not want to be responsible i do not want to be responsible i do not want to be responsible i do not want to be responsible i do not want to be responsible i do not want to be responsible i do not want to be responsible i do not want to be responsible i do not want to be responsible i do not want to be responsible i do not want to be responsible i do not want to be responsible

i wanna belive in anything as much as tom delonge believes in aliens

i want to to be a stereotypical bipolar patient and refuse to take my medicine that i know willl make this episode calm down and it is bad and i should not do that i should b e responsible and take my medicine and not do what i want to do i should not

olfactory hallucinations that's a first now i have caught all pokemon

every day
and every fucking second
i could be dead

that’s just the way that life works

every fucking second
of every fucking day
i could be dead

that’s just the way that life works

the day, desperate, disappears
(endless cycles)
like all others
(like all others)

The crow
he says
I am not
a bird
I am not
a bird
I am not
a bird
I am not
a bird
I am not
a bird
I am not
a bird
I am not
a bird
I am not
a bird
I am not
a bird
I am not
a bird
I am not
a bird
I am not
a bird
I am not
a bird
I am not
a bird
I am not
a bird
I am not
a bird
I am not
a bird
I am not
a bird
I am not
a bird
I am not
a bird
I am not
a bird
I am not
a bird
I am not
a bird
I am not
a bird
I am not
a bird
I am not
a bird
I am not
a bird
I am not
a bird

w e l l n e s s c h e c k

wellness check

I think most people
 
 
 
 
engage in mutual
 
 
 
 
eclipse.

i read 0 books in april

its definitely the vape

i cant decide
which fate is worse
a missing vape
or cherry chapstick

silky
smooth
all
serendipity

meltdown at
red robin

shook-shaking in my head
i know this was just zelda
vyv-ey withdrawal, unfed

but im sorry at your birthday
i cant keep it a ++
and i weep i moan for sacrifice
that always fills your cup

and i wish you were another
less-less selfless one instead
but you are not and so i leave
these scratching words unsaid

i will be a smoking ghost i will be a smoking ghost i will be a smoking ghost i will be a smoking ghost i will be a smoking ghost i will be a smoking ghost i will be a smoking ghost i will be a smoking ghost i will be a smoking ghost i will be a smoking ghost

i will be a smoking ghost i will be a smoking ghost i will be a smoking ghost i will be a smoking ghost i will be a smoking ghost i will be a smoking ghost i will be a smoking ghost i will be a smoking ghost i will be a smoking ghost i will be a smoking ghost

restless needs
restless needs
restless needs
restless needs
restless needs
restless needs
restless needs
restless needs
restless needs
restless needs
restless needs
restless needs
restless needs
restless needs
restless needs
restless needs

i want to be born under you
i want to come into existence
under you

Wordfuck
Playfuck
Mindfuck

ghosted by my therapist

i ripen in the storms of spring
patient for the change
into something as infinitely
relentless as
thundering fate

I’m acting like a robot
in image search
in life
but in life
without a captcha
to determine if alive

towhereitbentintheundergrowth

moon death

fresh disturbances from the long fondness.

slipping into mind-fraught slackerdom
guilty accusations faux or realized
effect still intact
rotting action attacked
smells like sour milk

today i will
today i will
today i will

(i should be)
(i should be)
(i should be)

crying in the bathtub again

what a hazardous sigh had i
believed in
i found
all of the past, all of the future
in this hanging wind
every unsettled thought
now above

clouds which make men grimace

hither and yon

maybe tomorrow with its shiny skin
will teach me how i can live again.

god hates me

I left a long period of rain
emerged
bright, restless
unanswered
and now
even more than i was echoes and fades
i am unsayable
like a verse catapulted out into
unequalled, infinite space

2022 Books In A Particular Order (1-60)

everything is making me cry

wellness check

i need the threat of observation without the fact

wellness check

i am sick of being paranoid and hallucinating without my euphoria i don't understand why i am getting the bad parts of mania without the good parts i don't understand why or how i feel like this if i have to have the bad at least temper with the good

twenty pounds of aching longing stuck sticked lodged inside my skull

wellness check

never knowing ever knowing that i never will have known

wellness check

https://sadfem.bandcamp.com/track/plz-stfu-remix